I returned home to continue bumping along in life on anti-depressants in a job which paid well, but offered little respect and not much joy. I had two kids from a dysfunctional marriage that had ended almost 10 years prior. I am a male to female transsexual and my realization that I needed to change gender precipitated a really nasty divorce. I thought that I had handled the major issues in my life by changing gender, but I kept making some of the same kinds of mistakes in my life and really didn’t feel like I had a future. I had been suicidal at different times and had survived a couple suicide attempts.  I thought it would be best to hang on to my job as long as I could, try to help my kids withstand life with my narcissistic ex, and then retire, enjoy a couple of hobbies, and pass-on peacefully – hopefully without hurting anyone.

I am a bit inclined towards risky adventures. I like to drive my motorcycle fast along twisty roads. I often thought that, when my kids got out of high school, I could ride into a bridge support and end it all. People would just think I got a little careless. I would then be relinquished of the heavy burden of being responsible for everyone else’s happiness.

January 2013 

Seven months since the Sedona Journey Retreat, I had put on some weight. To lose pounds, I tried to exercise but after a couple of weeks I suddenly developed major pain in my Sacroiliac (SI) joints. The pain was disabling, but after 2 months of Physical Therapy, I was able to start exercising again.

April 2013

I suffered a severe burn to my right hand at work which resulted in a skin graft. In the process of healing, I lost an entire summer of activity. By the end of summer, I gained more weight and lost the feeling of becoming a healthy person. I felt that I was on a steep decline.  If I could just hang-on til retirement, my mind thought, then maybe I could live until 70.  But after the injuries and the weight gain, I was quickly losing all confidence in a positive future.

Winning the Battle with Weight, Depression, Pain, & Gender Identity
7/6/2014
1 Comment



Rebecca Anne Shipman
My Journey of Transformation

May 2012
My initial exposure BMR was during the Sedona Journey Retreat in May 2012.  I attended the Journey mostly to be supportive to a friend who invited me to join her.  I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, enjoyed the Sedona area, and felt really comfortable with Jonathan.

I witnessed many body memory transformations and experienced it myself, in a small way. After the Journey, I considered BMR as something I might try again in the future, but didn’t really appreciate it’s true healing potential.

I returned home to continue bumping along in life on anti-depressants in a job which paid well, but offered little respect and not much joy. I had two kids from a dysfunctional marriage that had ended almost 10 years prior. I am a male to female transsexual and my realization that I needed to change gender precipitated a really nasty divorce. I thought that I had handled the major issues in my life by changing gender, but I kept making some of the same kinds of mistakes in my life and really didn’t feel like I had a future. I had been suicidal at different times and had survived a couple suicide attempts.  I thought it would be best to hang on to my job as long as I could, try to help my kids withstand life with my narcissistic ex, and then retire, enjoy a couple of hobbies, and pass-on peacefully – hopefully without hurting anyone.

I am a bit inclined towards risky adventures. I like to drive my motorcycle fast along twisty roads. I often thought that, when my kids got out of high school, I could ride into a bridge support and end it all. People would just think I got a little careless. I would then be relinquished of the heavy burden of being responsible for everyone else’s happiness.

January 2013
Seven months since the Sedona Journey Retreat, I had put on some weight. To lose pounds, I tried to exercise but after a couple of weeks I suddenly developed major pain in my Sacroiliac (SI) joints. The pain was disabling, but after 2 months of Physical Therapy, I was able to start exercising again.

April 2013
I suffered a severe burn to my right hand at work which resulted in a skin graft. In the process of healing, I lost an entire summer of activity. By the end of summer, I gained more weight and lost the feeling of becoming a healthy person. I felt that I was on a steep decline.  If I could just hang-on til retirement, my mind thought, then maybe I could live until 70.  But after the injuries and the weight gain, I was quickly losing all confidence in a positive future.

October 2013
I received an email newsletter announcing that the Sedona Journey Retreat in October 2013 was being offered for a discount. Something inspired me to sign up. Unlike the first Journey a year and half ago, I attended this one by myself. I really needed to get away from my life for a while.

As it turned out, I met some really great new people. Many of the people on this Journey had received BMR training. I felt unconditional, supportive, loving support from the group which enabled me to experience body memory transformation more deeply than ever before. This kind of loving/healing environment was very comforting and way outside anything I had ever previously experienced. Although still overweight and out of shape, the retreat group energy coupled with the energy of Sedona and that of the Guides (Jonathan and Angie) supported me to hike and climb the mountains without too much of a problem. It also made a difference that I chose to come on this retreat for me, rather than going along to support a friend. It was sad when the retreat ended, but I stayed in contact with several of the people I met.

January 2014
I saw on Facebook that Jonathan was scheduling BMR Healing Intensives in Sedona over the Winter. I decided to take 2 weeks, get out of frigid Minnesota, and get back to Sedona for some BMR and hiking.
When I arrived in Sedona, I felt the energy of the red rock mountains which alone felt supportive. I dieted and exercised before the trip so that I could enjoy the outdoors more fully.

My BMR Healing Intensive began the next day.  I received BMR twice daily. I had unwindings each session, which gradually deepened in intensity over the next 3 days. By the third day, I received a TEAM BMR session with Jonathan and Angie which was an amazing experience. The text below was journaled during my Intensive.

Notes After My BMR Sessions
Hands started on my spine, 4 hands, gently. I focused on my breathing – in, out, from the diaphragm. Nothing obvious happening. Just trying to quiet the talker brain; just breathing  I lost track of time.  At some point my breathing developed a “hitch” in the outgoing breath. It came and went, and the practitioner’s hands shifted slightly to a new location on my body. I felt a pain in my low back, and wanted to curl up to relieve it. I went back and forth between the talker brain and the observer brain. “Is this happening organically or am I trying to make it happen?” That’s a really familiar struggle with doubt for me, and so after trying to control my response for a while I just went with the movement that relieved the low back pain. I went from being on my stomach to rolling to my right side, one leg and then the other drawing up. The hitch in my breathing grew to a stifled sob, and I felt my eyes starting to water. Hands were on my back and head. My leg was supported by someone’s body. I went sort of fetal and started to wail. I really had no sense of time at this point. I was just immersed in wailing, tears and coughing.

At some point I remember Jonathan saying something like “Is there anything you want to say?” and at that point some thoughts came to mind. I was unable to distinguish between observer and talker brain at that point – but the idea that I had “killed” my male self, and kept him from people who loved him and people who would have wanted to meet him, came to my awareness. Also I had thoughts about my father’s memorial, and me generally not expressing grief, except while singing one hymn that we used to sing together when I was a kid. Maybe something about past relationships, but that all faded away as I lay and wailed and coughed. At some point I found myself turned back onto my stomach and felt strong, solid strokes going slowly along my spine. It seemed like the strokes were coaxing flem out of my lungs. I coughed, spit into kleenex that appeared in my hands. There was some strong pressure applied to a point of sharp pain and hardness on my body. More wailing; more phlegm.

At this point I lost memory or tracking, and really just remember being on the table, with Jonathan saying “The room is yours”. I was spent, happy, a little confused, altered. After some minutes, I got up, went carefully down the stairs, and was just rolling my shoulders and feeling the unaccustomed freedom of motion, with lots of little crunchy spots, but none of the thick, massive, rigid structure that I think is what Jonathan refers to as “Body Armor”. It was just unbelievable, and I really didn’t have any context around this feeling.

I remember sitting between the two of them, getting a big hug, and taking a glass of water out onto the patio. I sat in the warm, comforting sun of Sedona in winter, and just glowed. After this last session of the intensive, I had time to take in some of the other healing opportunities that were available in Sedona. Jonathan suggested a Myopractic session, and I did that. Definitely a step up from my previous chiropractic experiences. I also had a session with sexual healing and intimacy coaches to address issues that I had all my life. There were some pretty amazing breakthroughs in that area as well.

After My BMR Healing Intensive
Upon completing the 3 day BMR Healing Intensive, I spent a few days hiking the trails in Sedona. I felt so much stronger and supported than I had previously. I also felt less afraid of my life, and started to taper off my anti-depressants during this trip.

My BMR Training Begins
My 2 week stay in Sedona ended with me attending the Intro to Body Memory Seminar (BMR 1) in Sedona. I had tried doing massage on people before, but wanted to try and understand more about BMR and how and why it was working for me.

Jonathan taught several techniques for bringing out some of the old trauma and body memories, but I began to understand that it wasn’t just the techniques physically, but the attitude and intention of the provider that allowed the receiver to feel comfortable and supported releasing their inner body memories. When I returned home to Minnesota, after the class, I was on my way to a new me.  Two months later,  I would attend an advanced BMR training seminar in Omaha. I still didn’t think of myself as being able to be a practitioner. I just wanted to learn and understand more about BMR and how it worked.

March 2014
By this time, I lost 20 lbs, exercised regularly, and was withdrawing from antidepressants. My back was still loose. I had the occasional muscle aches and pains, but not the solid, unbreakable body armor I had before I experienced BMR.

During the class, I felt really altered after several major body memory unwindings. It was transformative for me to be in room full of people where everyone is helping others release their body memories. I can only describe it as love, an unconditional type of love, and it just left me feeling profoundly grateful, and altered, and somehow worthy of love in a way I haven’t felt before. I was sobbing and just watching and sometimes I could see the love passing between people. It was an amazing experience that left me feeling that there was another way to be in the world, another way to interact with others, and that there might be a future for me.

June of 2014
I am now off anti-depressants for 3 months. I have lost 45 lbs since January – when I had my intensive and started training. I haven’t thought about suicide in 6 months.  I run an hour a day, with no sign of back trouble. I am much more aware of all the things that happen in my daily life that I used to handle by squashing them down and storing them in my body. I get mad when I have that protective urge to squash my feelings. Been there, done that, and it is no longer the way for me to be. There’s a more honest, more loving, more awake way to be in the world and it is available for me. And I am more willing now to try and make changes. Knowing that I can heal from trauma makes me a little more open to trying new things. I plan to finish the full series of BMR training classes. Who knows, some day maybe I can facilitate this kind of loving technique that helps others heal themselves?  These days it seems like anything is possible!